A personal experience of dementia
By Shelia, a woman with early-stage Alzheimer's disease
I am getting along just fine and a lot of the time I don't think about my memory problem. Now, having written that, I will write about what does bother me...
It bothers me that I asked my daughter if she would take the clothes home with her to put them in her dryer. She didn't make any remark, but after she left I realised that I have my own dryer that I have been using for the past three years.
I decided to put up a little shelf on the wall in my room. I bought my tool box out and opened it. I scrounged around for nails and my small hammer. There in the box were my crystal decanter stoppers rattling around with the heavy tools. I had been looking for them for weeks. I have three decanters and there were the stoppers for two of them. I have not found the third one yet.
One of the problems with having such a bad memory is the unbelievable waste of time spent looking for things or having to retrace my steps. My daughter said that I had recently called her to ask if she had ever heard of Spalding Grey. I then went on about how fascinated I was with him. She said that not five minutes after we hung up, I called back and started the whole conversation again. I confess to being unable to remember some conversations at all. Some, I can vaguely remember bits of.
If I want to call someone, I might head for the phone and walk right past it and only later remember my intention. Or I head for the bathroom to take my pills, and it might take a few false starts before I remember to take them. I might forget altogether or I might not. There is no rhyme or reason to my problem. I can't even say 'Well, I remember these kinds of things but have a hard time remembering those kind of things.' There's no near pattern. Today I may be fine and then tomorrow not so fine.
One thing is that I'm as garrulous as ever! Sometimes there is a word-finding problem. Then I may be able to use a substitute. But, since this happens fairly often, I am not hesitant to ask 'you know, that thing in the garden made of wood and with leaves on it. What's it called?'
This last week has been a bit discouraging as I again went shopping without any money. In the past, I would have gone to the bank after doing that. But this time, without going to the bank, I tried to go shopping again, forgetting each time that I still didn't have any money.
I have had very embarrassing moments at the bank - so much so that I was ready to change banks. Yesterday was a nightmare. I went in and I told the teller I wanted to deposit a cheque but it had disappeared. We looked under the desk. I went through my purse, which was full of stuff. It was nowhere to be found. I was starting to get upset. The cheque was for $2,000. We looked everywhere.
When I got home I immediately started looking through the papers in my room. Beside my computer was a deposit slip for $2,000 from the day before. I couldn't believe my eyes. It made no sense. How could I absolutely believe that I needed to deposit that cheque when I had already done it? The worst feeling is that of not being able to trust yourself.
I went shopping yesterday and left the keys in the car and the engine on. I've had to have my poor car broken into so many times that the door is practically wrecked. I have an extra key. All I have to do is remember to take it with me and then not to lock my purse in the car as well.
This article was originally printed in the newsletter of the Vermont Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association (US).
